33 weeks 1 day.
Today did not turn out the way I thought it would be.
It was suppose to be a really fun day. 3 laparoscopic hysterectomies with one of my favorite attendings, and ticking off one more day towards a term pregnancy. I was starting to get comfortable with the idea that maybe I could be a "normal" pregnancy... I know I was diagnosed with cholestasis just last week, and the decision to deliver between 37 -39 weeks was the hardest debate all weekend. It was a nice weekend - my first weekend off after working 2 call shifts and operating almost daily for the past 19 days. I got to spend time with some friends, went on a long walk around the park with my husband, and relaxed at home.
I was heading upstairs to preop my first patient today, when I felt the urge to detour into OBES. I asked Amy, one of our amazing CNMs, if she could make sure I did not break my bag of water... I had felt leaking all morning but was sure it was probably just urine. I hoped. Until she held up the really positive blue nitrazine paper and the fluid started to leak more and more.
Now one betamethasone shot, few doses of IV latency antibiotics, several intermittent tears, and 10 hours of LND monitoring later, I'm spending my first night in the hospital (NOT ON CALL). It is the weirdest feeling being a patient - being asked to take it easy, relying on others to do so many things for you - and against everything I know as a resident. I'm not handling it particularly well.
I feel angry, but not at anything in particular...just at the unpredictability of the whole situation for my very type A personality. I feel angry for being in the hospital, not getting to go home, the uncertainty of having a preterm baby, having to rely on my wonderful residents to cover for me, losing 3 weeks of beeper, not getting to finish out the year like I planned, feeling completely useless while the hospital is buzzing around me, adding more stress for my poor husband in the middle of tax season, having so many family and friends worry about me, and not getting to say good bye to my cats (yes, I know completely silly... but it still made me sad).
There are so many things I am thankful for, and I need to focus on those things... I know.
- I'm so thankful for such a supportive residency - all the staff and residents. I have had so many visitors and I have been so, so glad to see them all. All the text and visits and gifts have brought so much happiness to a really bad day.
- I'm so thankful for being at this hospital - I know how great all of the staff, HCA, HUCs... everyone is and it is so nice to know so many people here.
- I'm thankful for my husband who is just completely wonderful.
- And my family... who I know is so worried.
- I'm thankful my baby is 33 weeks and that I'm getting great medical care. And that I'm around a NICU that I have complete faith will take care of my baby.
- I'm thankful for this time of reflection too. I have felt distant from God ... and the funny thing is I had the longest conversation with him last night. About my lack of reliance on him. About my stubbornness in doing everything by myself. About my imperfectness. I don't understand his plans sometimes, but I trust it.
Dear Baby,
I want you to know that you are so, so loved. NO part of this day was on you and I want so much for you to be healthy when you finally decide to come. I would do today and so much more for you to be healthy. We have loved you since the first day we found out I was pregnant and wanted you for several months even before that. We cannot wait to meet you, and although it is going to be sooner than we thought, we want you to stay in as long as you can to get more time. I love you so much.
"May your unfailing love by my comfort" - Psalm 119:76
I'm praying that we can make it to 34 weeks... and maybe look to 35 weeks!
Today did not turn out the way I thought it would be.
It was suppose to be a really fun day. 3 laparoscopic hysterectomies with one of my favorite attendings, and ticking off one more day towards a term pregnancy. I was starting to get comfortable with the idea that maybe I could be a "normal" pregnancy... I know I was diagnosed with cholestasis just last week, and the decision to deliver between 37 -39 weeks was the hardest debate all weekend. It was a nice weekend - my first weekend off after working 2 call shifts and operating almost daily for the past 19 days. I got to spend time with some friends, went on a long walk around the park with my husband, and relaxed at home.
I was heading upstairs to preop my first patient today, when I felt the urge to detour into OBES. I asked Amy, one of our amazing CNMs, if she could make sure I did not break my bag of water... I had felt leaking all morning but was sure it was probably just urine. I hoped. Until she held up the really positive blue nitrazine paper and the fluid started to leak more and more.
Now one betamethasone shot, few doses of IV latency antibiotics, several intermittent tears, and 10 hours of LND monitoring later, I'm spending my first night in the hospital (NOT ON CALL). It is the weirdest feeling being a patient - being asked to take it easy, relying on others to do so many things for you - and against everything I know as a resident. I'm not handling it particularly well.
I feel angry, but not at anything in particular...just at the unpredictability of the whole situation for my very type A personality. I feel angry for being in the hospital, not getting to go home, the uncertainty of having a preterm baby, having to rely on my wonderful residents to cover for me, losing 3 weeks of beeper, not getting to finish out the year like I planned, feeling completely useless while the hospital is buzzing around me, adding more stress for my poor husband in the middle of tax season, having so many family and friends worry about me, and not getting to say good bye to my cats (yes, I know completely silly... but it still made me sad).
There are so many things I am thankful for, and I need to focus on those things... I know.
- I'm so thankful for such a supportive residency - all the staff and residents. I have had so many visitors and I have been so, so glad to see them all. All the text and visits and gifts have brought so much happiness to a really bad day.
- I'm so thankful for being at this hospital - I know how great all of the staff, HCA, HUCs... everyone is and it is so nice to know so many people here.
- I'm thankful for my husband who is just completely wonderful.
- And my family... who I know is so worried.
- I'm thankful my baby is 33 weeks and that I'm getting great medical care. And that I'm around a NICU that I have complete faith will take care of my baby.
- I'm thankful for this time of reflection too. I have felt distant from God ... and the funny thing is I had the longest conversation with him last night. About my lack of reliance on him. About my stubbornness in doing everything by myself. About my imperfectness. I don't understand his plans sometimes, but I trust it.
Dear Baby,
I want you to know that you are so, so loved. NO part of this day was on you and I want so much for you to be healthy when you finally decide to come. I would do today and so much more for you to be healthy. We have loved you since the first day we found out I was pregnant and wanted you for several months even before that. We cannot wait to meet you, and although it is going to be sooner than we thought, we want you to stay in as long as you can to get more time. I love you so much.
"May your unfailing love by my comfort" - Psalm 119:76
I'm praying that we can make it to 34 weeks... and maybe look to 35 weeks!
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I took this picture last night before bed ... last night at home pregnant.
Food and visitors are my two highlights in the hospital
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This is so cute! Also I am glad you managed to sneak in pictures of things that are not your cats :)
ReplyDeleteBut it's nice to see them too of course!
I'm really glad you're getting such great care, definitely keeping you and Charles (and baby!) in my thoughts.